So for those who want to come up through the hawspipe (an old nautical term for learning the ropes the hard way on a sailing ship), here's a set of lessons based on actual learning experiences of veteran surfers around the world who never once went to a surf school. The course is designed to provide you with a full-spectrum of experiences as you enter the order of waveriders, beginning with some prerequisites:

1- If you are a want-it-now, A-type personality, please choose another sport. Ambition and aggression are already overloading surf spots around the world, so pick another sport: hockey, Australian rules football, the stock market, etc. will be much more fun for you.

2 - If you are out of shape, start swimming every day until you are within ten pounds of your recommended weight. The ocean takes a dim view of beer bellies.

3 - If you are not patient, determined, and have a good sense of humor you'll find surfing frustrating and somewhat depressing. Oh yes, and a love of the sea - and not just the beach - is a must.

4 - Finally, never ever give a thought to getting your picture in a surf magazine.

Now, if you fit the profile, here is a graduated sequence of lesson plans that will take you anywhere from one week to two years to complete, depending on a variety of factors, not the least of which is sheer dumb luck.

Picking out a board - Stick to a budget and buy what ever is available. If it looks like a board you see in SURFER or SURFING, forget it. It won't float you, and everyone will laugh as your Channel Islands/Rusty/T&C logo only makes you look foolish instead of cool. Above all, make sure it floats you no deeper than your waist when sitting on it. Float is everything when learning, and since most shops don't have test tanks, if the shop says no returns, then its no sale.

Getting to the beach - finding the waves
Don't listen to surf reports. They make it way too easy and eliminate the surprise factor of surfing, which is a big part of the magic you are seeking. Besides, everyone is listening to surf reports anyway, so the only thing you'll learn is when the surf will be the most crowded - which is not what you want.

But do go down to your local fishing tackle shop and get a tide book. You'll have much more in common with those guys than you will with the crew in a surf shop, starting with the fisherman's maxim, "You don't go fishing to catch fish. You go fishing to go fishing."

Select a morning with a medium, incoming tide, and go when you have the whole morning to spend. Get up before dawn, put on Dave Matthews or The Ocean Blue or the Rolling Stones (Mick Taylor era only), and make yourself some oatmeal with peanut butter and bananas. Drink your coffee in the car, with maybe a thin spliff for those so inclined, and off you go. Enjoy the idea of a surf trip right from the moment you turn the key in the ignition. For best results, avoid most real surf spots. Litmus test: if you have to hassle to find a parking space, you are in the wrong place.

Suit Up - Wax Up
Ok, there are waves (not too big), not many surfers around, and you feel ready. Be sure to wax the bottom of your board - and the fins - as if you were going skiing or snowboarding. Of course this is completely wrong, but it is touchingly innocent, which is the attitude you want to have as you jump off the land and into the deep blue sea.

Wetsuits?
Forget 'em at first. Freeze you ass off in the name of honoring the old days. Besides, after a few months, your first wetsuit will feel like heaven! Same with leashes: so what if you lose your board time after time? The swim will do you good.

The Paddle Out - the second hardest part of surfing. The white water will push you back to the beach, so all you can do is gut it out and keep paddling. Not making any progress? Then turn around, let the white water push you back to the beach, and trying standing up as the wave catches you. Do this all day until you can get to your feet easily and in one motion. And practice that at home with your board on your bed. Three sets of ten every day will make a big difference.

Where to sit in the water - who cares?
You are out in the water, as much at sea as any sailor, so just enjoy it. You'll have years to figure out where to catch the waves, so don't be in a hurry. Remember the fisherman's motto.

Catching a Wave - the hardest part of surfing: you have to stand up in a split second in exactly the right part of the wave, on the right size wave, on exactly the right place on your board, and then keep your balance as you accelerate and go down, down the face. Count on falling off dozens of times - and indeed for the rest of your surfing career.

True Surfing - the wondrous moment of effortless motion -riding across the water propelled by ocean energy born thousands of miles out in the middle of the ocean. But you've earned it - and that makes all the difference. Besides, as Nat Young once said, "Your first wave will always be the best one of your life - and it's all downhill from there."

And there you have it - each lesson can be tailored to your level of ability, but all are guaranteed to give you dozens of classic stories to tell - which is what surfing is all about in your later years anyway! In future columns we will present our upper division courses, which include shutting up locals, traveling on trains and buses, and getting a custom shaped board (never, ever buy a new board off the rack: real surfers don't go to Boardstroms department stores!) And then there's graduate school: the tube ride.

But first things first: don't go to school, be a true kook at first, and it will be so hard that once you master it, you'll be such a fanatic that you'll end up being a surfer forever. Which is what you want, no?

* * *

Glenn Hening is the founder of the Surfrider Foundation and a co-founder of the Groundswell Society, he is also heavily involved with Oceanfever as a contributor and mentor. He can be reached at Glenn@oceanfever.net. He does not give surfing lessons, except if you are already in the water and looking like you might drown.